I had a powerful coaching session with a client today that I felt inspired to share with you.
My client Michaela had been complaining that she often felt alone in her relationship, even when she was right next to her partner Tristan. Like many women, she craved deeper connection, but Tristan always seemed preoccupied with work and other priorities. She often found herself asking for more from Tristan, who would get frustrated at what he perceived as her “neediness”. Michaela would then start resenting Tristan, and also being annoyed at herself for not being more “independent”.
This went round and round. The more she asked for quality time, the more distant Tristan seemed to get, and the worse she would feel about herself. Ultimately she started feeling hopeless about the relationship.
Not sure if this is a familiar situation to any of you?
When we first started working together, I taught Michaela to express her needs using Nonviolent Communication (I have written about this previously).
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is where I start with my coaching clients because it gives them a way of sharing their feelings (without blame). It also gives them a way to let their partner know that their need for connection isn’t being met, without making demands or using guilt trips (the latter being what the developer of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg, would term “violent communication”).
NVC maximises the likelihood that people will meet your needs because it means explicitly letting other people know what you need while simultaneously respecting their choice and autonomy around whether they meet our needs or not.
Yet, despite Michaela’s efforts, she continued to experience Tristan as being emotionally unavailable.
Seeing this, I guided Michaela to take a slightly different approach. I encouraged her to keep asking Tristan for what she needed using NVC, but then to focus on meeting her own needs. She started nurturing her passions, diving into new projects, and rediscovering the activities she used to enjoy. This wasn’t about withdrawing or giving up on her relationship. It was about remembering who she was beyond it.
As Michaela grew more confident and fulfilled in her own life, this unlocked greater harmony in her relationship. Tristan appreciated the new energy she brought into the relationship, as she no longer seemed dependent on him for her happiness.
The dynamic between them shifted. Michaela’s newfound sense of self actually sparked renewed interest and curiosity from Tristan.
This powerful process is called “differentiation”.
What Is differentiation?
The concept of differentiation is at the heart of Michaela’s transformation. It’s about balancing the need for closeness with the ability to maintain a strong sense of self.
Put more simply, it is about remaining an individual while in relationship with others.
Relationship therapist David Schnarch outlines this process (and how to achieve it) in his dense but amazing book Passionate Marriage.
(I wrote about my own personal journey with it in my relationship here).
Here’s how differentiation works:
- Self-definition: Differentiation is about knowing who you are and staying true to your values, even when others push you to compromise. A differentiated person can say, “This is what I believe and need,” without feeling the pressure to change for others, even those closest to them.
- Emotional regulation: Differentiation means being able to soothe your own emotions, rather than relying on your partner to validate your feelings or make you feel better. You stay steady even when disagreements arise, without needing to control or distance yourself from the other person.
- Interdependence, not independence: This is a big one! Differentiation is not about being emotionally distant or self-sufficient. Instead, differentiation allows you to remain close to someone without losing your sense of self. It’s the art of being connected without what David Schnarch calls “fusing”.
Why differentiation matters in relationships
Differentiation allows us to stay true to ourselves while simultaneously remaining fully present in our relationships. It can be challenging, though, as it often requires stepping outside our comfort zones and embracing vulnerability. Here’s what makes differentiation so transformative:
- Facing discomfort for growth: Schnarch’s work emphasises that real intimacy often comes through embracing discomfort – facing disagreements or awkward conversations that might initially feel threatening. Instead of seeking superficial harmony, differentiation pushes us to confront what’s truly important to us. In fact, Schnarch points out that over time, any committed relationship will push people to differentiate, because we can only “agree to disagree” and accommodate our partner for so long on key issues like quality time, sexual intimacy, how we parent, and how we manage finances. The people who lean in to this discomfort and let it be a catalyst for growth tend to survive (and thrive) as a couple. Those who don’t, well…they don’t.
- Avoiding emotional fusion: Emotional fusion, where partners become overly reliant on each other for emotional validation, often leads to anxiety and resentment. Having to give up part of ourselves negate our own core needs doesn’t feel good. Eventually we either start to lose ourselves in codependence, or find that we keep getting caught in cycles of conflict and/or disconnection. Differentiation prevents this from happening, enabling each person to take responsibility for their own emotions and behaviours. It allows us to remain individuals, even when in close proximity with people we care about (and even when they are pressuring us to change in order to accommodate them).
Initial improvement – but then a sudden increase in conflict
As the clients I work with start to differentiate, focusing on their own life and happiness, their partners (or colleagues / family members / friends) tend to initially react positively.
But then after some time there can be a paradoxical increase in conflict.
The reason this happens is because, in the face of one person’s differentiation, the other can start to feel uneasy. As the differentiated partner’s newfound independence disrupts the familiar dynamics of the relationship, the less differentiated person will often unconsciously try to cause things to revert to the status quo.
I tend to warn my clients ahead of time that this is common when one partner begins to change in a relationship. In fact, I let them know that these kinds of negative reactions are in fact a sign that genuine differentiation has started to happen.
Here’s why our differentiation can trigger negative reactions in others:
- Fear of losing connection: The differentiated partner’s new self-reliance can be perceived as distance by their partner. The less differentiated partner can suddenly feel like the relationship is losing its closeness, as they have gotten so used to the entrenched patterns of conflict and mistake this for genuine emotional intimacy. When the differentiated partner becomes less emotionally dependent, it can seem like they’re pulling away, which can trigger fears of rejection or abandonment.
- Shift in power dynamics: As differentiated people become more self-assured, the unspoken power dynamics in the relationship shift. The less differentiated partner, used to a dynamic where they used to provide reassurance, can start to feel uncertain about their role, leading to feelings of discomfort and heightened anxiety.
- Self-reflection and discomfort: One person’s differentiation tends to highlight areas where the other person hasn’t yet grown. That is, when one person becomes more differentiated, it can act as a mirror, reflecting the other partner’s dependency, avoidance patterns, or overall lack of self-awareness. This can feel uncomfortable or even threatening.
- Fear of being left behind: As differentiated people develop a more solid sense of self, the less differentiated partner starts to intuitively sense that if they don’t raise their own level of differentiation, they might get “left behind”. This is indeed commonly the case – if one person differentiates and the other doesn’t respond by doing the same, the more differentiated partner often decides at some point that they have outgrown the relationship, and chooses to leave.
Differentiation: A path to deeper connection
Despite stirring up fear and uncertainty in both people, differentiation presents a chance for both partners to grow. It invites a new kind of connection – one where both people can be fully themselves without fear of being rejected or needing to compromise on their values and needs. It’s about intimacy built on mutual respect and true understanding, rather than unspoken codependencies.
For my clients, learning to differentiate means finding a deeper relationship with themselves – which unexpectedly creates space for a healthier, more balanced dynamic with their partner.
If you’re struggling to balance your needs with those of your partner, or if you find yourself caught in familiar cycles of conflict and/or disconnection, recognise that you are bumping into your own lack of differentiation.
Differentiating is challenging work. In fact, David Shnarch points out that it’s one of the most difficult processes people ever go through. He says that most people never even try to do this (which is why so many relationships fail or end up stagnating).
Many people opt to leave their relationships instead of grinding through the process of differentiation. But they always end up meeting a partner who is at a similar level of differentiation, meaning that the process either inevitably continues.
Which is why relationships are ultimately what Schnarch calls a “crucible” for growth. They are inevitably a vehicle for learning to hold onto ourselves (even when our partner pushes us to change to accommodate their level of differentiation).
Scharch also says that the brave people who do embark on this journey of growing up generally start in their 40s, when they have enough internal resources to be able to do it (and have enough failed relationships behind them to inspire them to do something different).
This was certainly the case in my own life!
Ultimately, differentiation is the only way to create a relationship where both you and your partner can thrive.
Are you up for it?
